Closer to the Heart

So, I got out of a relationship awhile back ago, and it was really hard for me. I loved this girl more than I've ever loved anyone in my entire life. It was an intensity that sparks revolutions and James Cameron films. Ugh. I just typed that. Regardless, she dropped me on my ass completely off guard. She walked out of my life and left me at the lowest I've ever been on all levels; emotionally, financially, confidently. However, I'm coming out of it with a lot of help from my amazing friends. They've been so magnificently patient and understanding with me through all of this. Yet, still I wasn't able to push through. I, as they say, needed closure. However, I realized I wasn't going to get any from her. So, I think after stewing about it for too long my brain realized that I needed to move on too, and the first step was closure. So, I gave myself a little dream....

What you are about to read is the transcription of a dream I had. It was an incredibly vivid dream, and to this day I still remember every detail like it happened yesterday. It's certainly not literary art by any means, but it is pure imagination and emotion. 

We sat in my mom's living room. I was sitting on the corner of the couch, and she was sitting on the chair next to it. The arms of the furniture that we sat in almost touched each other at a 90 degree angle, and there was a small square end table in the corner between our furniture. We both looked around the room, and pointed at an empty end table between two chairs. 

 "How about that one?" I said. 

"That one would be good, don't you think? But, maybe it's too big," she said. She was referring to finding a small end table to place a small decorative Christmas tree on. I looked over at the end table she was referring to. It was too big for the tree we had in mind, but it was just the right size for the small decorative tree my mom has, which happens to be bigger than our decorative tree. I looked at another end table that was a bit smaller. 

I pointed at it, and said, "That's true, plus my mom uses it..." My words trailed off as I looked over at her to tell her about the other end table. I just stared at her with the biggest stupidest grin on my face. Then I got up from the couch, and walked over to her chair. I sat on my knees, and rested my arms on her knees. Then, I just looked up at her. We were both in pajamas. I was wearing my green plaid pajamas and a t-shirt, she was wearing her baby blue old man jammy's. She always looked like an angel in those. When I looked up at her the light from the window shined down around her, and her short tossled hair caught the light and, if you squinted just right, you could see a halo over her. She caught my big goofy smile, and flashed one right back. Her eyes were almost squinting because her smile was so big. She always had the most amazing eyes. Dark blues on the outside that gave way to light specks of lighter blues and hazels. It was like staring into a whole new universe. She knew I was lost in her, and let it linger for a moment. Then she looked back down at me and laughed. It wasn't a cackle or chortle, but a heavenly laugh through pearly whites. The kind that comforts the sick and dying. The kind that welcomes in the poor and weak. It was the laugh that came from the soul.

"What?" I said to her, knowing that I didn't need to say anything at all. 

"You know what. You just don't want to say it," she said back. At that moment I did know. It washed over me like a warm ocean wave, and then rolled back. 

"I'm dreaming, aren't I?" I asked her. 

"Yes." She replied back. At that moment she got up and walked over to the piano bench. When I turned around she was no longer wearing her old man jammy's. She was in her Rock Revival jeans, and a white t-shirt that had been cut up along the back. Her purple lace bra was showing, and I couldn't have imagined a better vision to dream about. She smiled and looked at me. 

"Let me try," I said enthusiastically. Then I closed my eyes and turned around. When I opened them I was wearing my jeans with the fake back pockets that she liked so much, a baby blue dress shirt, with the sleeves rolled up, my favorite tie, an orange number with patterns including blue, teal, and baby blue, and a brown vertically striped vest. I looked back up at her, and she smiled back at me. 

Then she got up and playfully ran off laughing out of the living room, and through the kitchen. I chased her laughter as she went downstairs. I caught up with her downstairs. There were toys adorning the walls and clustered around the floor. There was a furnace and hot water heater in the middle of the basement as well. We spent the next few minutes trying on funny hats and giving our new personas silly voices. Then it turned to tosses stuffed animals at each other. She then got up and ran around the hot water heater with a stuffed animal. I knew she was there, but I couldn't see her. She popped out around the corner and tossed it at me. It hit me in the head and fell to the ground. As she ran around to get another one I reached out and grabbed her arm. She went to move, and I pulled her in closer. 

Her smile brightened, and she said, "Let me go." 

"No," I replied back. 

"Are you afraid to not see me?" she said. 

"Yes," I said, as tears began to rush down my face. I remember making the worst cry face along with them.

"That's adorable," she said with a playful smile, and I laughed through the tears. Then I swallowed them back. 

"I'm afraid that if I can't see you I'll never see you again." Then she faded from my arms, and I was left alone in the basement surrounded by toys. 

I woke up in a puddle of tears. I knew it was over. I would never see the girl I loved again. Good bye.

~3